Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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