have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
