I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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