If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I touched a dick in church today
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
