ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
