I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
