Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
you inspire me to be a worse person
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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