Will you blow on my dice?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize