I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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