3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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