I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
