He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Do you remember whose house we're in?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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