my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
