can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
