In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
