True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize