We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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