i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
