I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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