my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
