just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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