Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
