At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
