I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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