I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He did a backflip because drugs
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