We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
