im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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