if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
