New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
