my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
