He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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