i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
