my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
