Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
