theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
