Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
