What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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