i'm signing you up for texting rehab
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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