you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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