Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
