I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
