Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
