Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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