i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize