Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
do herpes really smell.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
