I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
