Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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