Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
