There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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