Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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