Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My feet surprised me
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