I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
