my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I think I won the penis lottery.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I think I sprained my soul last night
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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