Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
