go do what you do best...puke behind churches
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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