Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
50% drunk capacity currently
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
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