3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
