i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
