It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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