I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
